Here we go...

It's 6 hours until the ceremony begins. I'm about to head out of the house and down to the Oregon Garden in Silverton. I'm excited. Everything is ready to go.

Gregsta: Hitchin'

It's Here

I can't believe it. It's here. I'm getting married later today.

It's about 12:30 and I'm tired, but can't sleep just yet. I'm so excited.

Had my last drink @ Vertigo as a Single man.

MANY PROPS to my friend, best man and officiant - Gooch. I couldn't ask for a better friend. Thank you so much, sir. You are a saint.

Gregsta': Hitching up in 18.5 hrs.

Advise

In the last days of bachelorhood, I thought it might be nice to share some of the thoughts on all that I've learned being unmarried. Hopefully, I can help you avoid some of the pitfalls.

Having nice clothes impresses women. Don't go over the top at Nordstroms or Sacks', but do yourself a favor and just get rid of that pair of slacks you've had since graduating high school. So what if they still fit? They make you look like you have the style sense of Steve Urkel. Just go to Macys or the Rack and get something that is no more than a year out of style. Oh, and do some research on current trends before heading out. It may save you some embarassment. When in doubt, take one of your platonic girl friends (you know you have a ton of them) shopping with you and ask their opinion. Take it seriously. They know style, you (most likely) don't.

Cooking is one of those subjects that we guys are terrible about. A Hungry Man dinner and a Pabst make for a mighty easy and cheap dinner. Depending on your disposition, you might even find this salty/watery combination palatable. Whatever your choice of quick-and-easy food might be, it's a ball-and-chain to the life of bachelorism. Come on, are you going to have a girl over and serve her Hot Pockets and Bartles and James? (If you answered 'yes' to that, smack yourself right now. Now) Of course not. You're going to make a nice simple dinner, mostly from scratch and offer up a decent wine. The simpler and more flavorful, the better. Now, these aren't skills you wake up one morning and magically have - you have to work at it. Go to the store once a week, get some groceries and start making some recipies - even if it's just for yourself. Start small - shrimp pasta or chicken tacos. Heck, take a cooking class. Oh, and clean your kitchen up when you're done using it.

Speaking of cleaning! This is an area where the line is drawn in the sand between eligable, ineligable and downright weird. A clean home is next to godliness. Too clean, though, and you might as well have "Serial Rapist" on your calling card. The most disgusting thing in a man's home is the bathroom. The toilet in particular. Just do yourself a favor and learn to sit down when taking a piss, okay? Don't do it in public, but for Gods sake, save yourself the cleaning necessity. The door is closed and nobody is critiquing your performance. Just do it. You'll find the toilet doesn't get as gross as fast.

Last word of advice - your car. Don't get hung up on status. That BMW is only going to attract gold diggers and 40-somethings looking for an affair. Your Subaru WRX screams "I like to get into fights and smoke a lot of pot." Your lifted Dodge Diesel giganto-truck says "Small Penis." Just keep it simple, but don't drive a neglected or always-breaking-down beater. Keep it real. Don't buy what you can't afford either. If you're a server and you're driving around a 2008 Mercedes C-Class, you better work at the most expensive restraunt in town. Don't eat, smoke or keep garbage in your car. Smells permeate and are disgusting.

If you don't own a car and bike everywhere, get a decent helmet and a proper riding outfit and wear it. Nothing screams "creep" like a guy on a bike wearing beat up jeans and no helmet and a cigarette hanging off their lip.

Gregsta: Bachelor for another 57 hours.

Closer

Friday is the big day. My last day at the office for 2.5 weeks was today. It's a relief, I must say. Now, I can focus on the important stuff without being clouded by work stuff.

Time to GSD*....

Gregsta': On Vacation

*GSD - Get shit done.

7 signs you've taken Green Living too far

7. You've moved into a cave just outside of town, sharing residences with hibernating bears.

6. You torch your own car in protest of foreign oil dependence.

5. You develop your own personal "Toilet to Tap" system.

4. To save electricity, you leave all the lights off in the house and hand your guests night vision goggles.

3. Greenpeace won't come anywhere near you for fear of being associated as "Eco-Terrorists".

2. When asked "Paper or Plastic" you get very angry and storm out of the store.

1. Your put 10,000 miles/year on your bike. Your car hasn't been driven in over 2 years.

3 Signs Your Not Staying Long in America

1. The TSA confiscates your laptop and your LaptopTazer(tm) theft deterrent system works as advertised.

2. Your packed lunch barks while in customs.

3. Your luggage is searched. Your Chinese Finger Trap is missing. You hear an agent crying in the distance...

Gregsta': Got Nuthin'

Good Blogs

One of my favorite writers/bloggers/web 2.0 borg is Merlin Mann. In a recent blog posting about What Makes a Good Blog, Merlin cites a number of rational metrics for gauging a good blog. So, does The Domino Effect stand up?

In metric #6, he mentions 'Blogs make fart noises...'.

Does it count if the author is guilty of that rather than the blog itself?

Did he just try to make that funny? What a douche.

Gregsta': Too Much Fun

Shiza

Time for dinner and drinks. That is all.

Gregsta': Pointless Rambler

Summer?

Is he going to bitch about the weather again? That lame-o. He needs new material...

I just can't believe this. It's the middle of summer and it's been rain and clouds since this weekend. Where the hell did summer go? I'm not ready for it to be over yet. Not now.

Gregsta'

Return

I haven't been in the office since Friday.

Panic is setting in: Burrito or Sushi lunch? It's been so long since I've had to make the decision. What will I do?

Stay tuned.

Gregsta'

RIP Ty

RIP Ty Moore - 2000 - 2008

We came home from the beach to find our beloved cat, Ty, deceased.

It appears that Ty gorged herself on the Lilies that I had brought home on Friday. Little did I know that the Lilies were in fact, the most poisonous things known to cats. I feel terrible about it. This isn't the first time we've brought home lilies, but it's the first time she was left alone in the house all weekend without supervision and these deadly flowers.

Ty was the arguably smarter of the pair of cats I adopted from the Cat Adoption Team in 2001. Save for a few short and supervised trips, she was always an indoor cat. In the early days when I first got the two, Ty was the curious and unafraid cat. She immediately took to her new home upon arrival, while Shelby was scared to death. Over the next month or two, Ty coaxed Shelby to life. She slept right next to her every night and would check on her frequently when Shelby would hide under the couch or sleep endlessly in her bed. Ty would pounce on Shelby and taught her how to defend herself.

Shelby has been the alpha cat in our household now for the last 4 years. Since that time, Ty has always had a knack for being a little on the mischievous side. I regularly would find her dining on our flower arrangements, sleeping on tables and trying sneak out the door to play in the grass or the garage.

Ty always loved a good scratching behind the ears and looked forward to every opportunity to sleep on top of an unsuspecting lounging individual. She was adamant about keeping her paws clean and sharp, evidenced by the nearly destroyed cat tree in our living room. She loved to run around the house and chase (or be chased by) Shelby. When Betsy's cat, Rocky, came into the house, she took fun in tormenting him with the help of her twin sister.

There wasn't an object in the house that hadn't been either played with or slept on top of by Ty. She was one of the family, regardless of her feline blood line. We showered her with gifts of wet food, toys and most importantly - unconditional love. Even when she's rip something apart or clawed into our leg, we still loved her.

Rest in peace, my little girl. You've done so much for me and have touched the lives of everyone you've come into contact with.

We'll all miss you a lot.

Gregsta'

End 'o Week

It's fun to be at the end of the week. I have 20 minutes to finish an hours worth of work.

Watch me perform miracles.

Gregsta': OUT

Bikini Coffee

There's one of these down the street from our office.



I'm heading that way now.

And every day.

Greg

Tern

Today is the last day of Betsy's Externship (like an Internship, but you actually get to do the job you've been studying to do rather than bring the doctor coffee all day). All that's left now is a test and graduation ceremony and she's done.

It's very exciting. Coming to the end of a long run of school gives you a high of sorts (it's why many people are perpetual students).

Off to work. Another exciting day. Hopefully not too exciting, though. I'm sure that if I were to go to a doctor, he/she would tell me that it's not good to get my blood pressure up anymore.

Gregsta'

What's wrong with the world?

Stop me if you've heard me rant about this before...

There's a damn good reason why I don't watch the news. It's depressing. Nothing but deadly crashes involving innocent bystanders, abandoned babies, drunk drivers, dead bums, and EColi. Making matters worse, two of my favorite black entertainers are dead.

Reality is a cruel mistress.

Gregsta': Ranted

Something Funny

It's Monday again. I have more to do this week than ever before.

Funny how that stifles my writing.

Gregsta': To the Fat-Mobile!

Darty

We spent most of yesterday with our wedding coordinator getting things figured out for our wedding. Let me tell ya, these people are worth their weight in gold. After exhausting ourselves by walking around, making plans and finding a rehearsal dinner site, I took the longest nap I've had in a very long time - 3 hours, I think.

So long that I missed having drinks with Ann and Brad. I feel like such a doof.

In other news, we partied a little last night (okay, we closed Vertigo down - mad props to Gooch, Britta and the V-Crew for staying till the bitter end of the evening). I managed to plan a only partially suck-ass 3 games of darts. Didn't get spoilered this time for the first time in awhile.

Spoilered?

I know. Us dart'ies are a funny bunch. We have words for things. Things and stuff.

Gregsta': Sunday Chillin'

Das Bite

Here down at the bite. chillin, waiting for Betsy to show up. Saw Kerosene Dream play for the first time in 10 years. That was really cool. This will be the third year I've gone in a row. Not much changes. The setup is the same. most of the participating restaurants are the same. The music is about the only thing different.

Gregsta'

Friday, ah Friday

It's about 5:00 and I'm winding down for the week. Headphones are on, metal is rockin' and my stomach is rumbling. Good thing The Bite is happening down on the waterfront. We're going to go eat, drink and dance the night away. I can't think of a better way to finish out the week.

Tomorrow we're heading down to the gardens to plan out the wedding with our coordinator. I suspect we're going to leave the experience with a lot of To-Do list items that are going to take some time to complete. Good thing we have 21 days until the wedding.

Wait, that's not much.

Trying not to freak out.

Gregsta': 5 oClockin'

The International Slacker Advice Column #1

Professional Procrastination
Through the years, I've become an icon on the issue of how to put off doing anything. Give me a task that doesn't involve eating or drinking copious amounts of booze, and I'll find a way to make it moot. You see, the effort you put into avoiding doing something you don't want to do isn't in vein.

Quite the opposite.

That effort makes you a better procrastinator. Before you know it, you can convince the IRS that they should come to your house, do your taxes and give you money back on no taxes paid in a year. Now that, is the pinnacle of slackerdom.

Email: Your ultimate slacking tool
Let's face it: The definition of procrastination is "I don't want to make a decision" or "I don't want to do anything requiring me to make a decision". Or something.

Email is perhaps the Greek god's gift to modern avoidance techniques. Here's how to make your email the ultimate "productivity" tool.

#1: File all your Newsletters, News Flashes and other items in a "IMPORTANT READING" folder. Then, when you don't feel like doing anything, open the oldest email in your important reading folder and write a short book report on it - how do you really feel about the Internet Explorer 6 launch?

#2: Treat joke, video and other non-work related email as your top priority. These emails make you happy. The "Where's the TPS Report you slacker" email does not make you happy. Your happiness is priority #1, remember?

#3: Automate your email responses. Create a hot-key email response that describes in great detail (25 steps minimum) how to reboot a computer. Use this to respond to those pesky "I can't get into the Accounting System and Paychecks have to go out in 10 minutes" emails. Who do they think they are, anyway?


That's all for this installment. No, really. Were you expecting some kind of closing comments on how this will all make your life better? Come on. I'm the International Slacker, not the International Talented Writer. That's a different gnome...

Gregsta: Ummm...

My Life with the Overflowing Inbox Cult

I hate over utilized technology.

Like Email, Texting, IM and blogging.

Yes, I said I hate Blogging. It's a huge time waster and distraction. Right now, I know I should be working on things here in the office, but I'm distracted. I have a blog (or two) that need updates on a regular basis and for some reason, today, I've got all sorts of material to put up on them.

What really kills me is that the staff wants this technology on our Intranet.

Then we can condone employees wasting all day posting their feelings about how to be more green.

Speaking of which, if one more asshole in this company even hints that I should leave my car at home and bike/bus/walk to the office, I'm going to slam their head into a desk. Don't tell me how to commute. I already dropped $30k on a hybrid car to appease you fuckers. My big ol' monster sedan weighs 4000 lbs and gets a consistent, proven 35 miles to the gallon. GET OFF ME.

Oh, and if I hear one more [Oil Giant A] should do [Economy Friendly Action B], I might slam a head into a desk, too. We get it. They're all evil. I personally like having fewer cars on the road due to high gas prices. I'm ready for $6/gallon, Exxon. Don't you need better profits? Jack that shit up!

Gregsta': Conserving Energy from an Evil Soap Box

When I Rule the World...

WARNING: Conservative Moment...

When I rule the world, pan handlers will be treated like the felons they are.



Ask me for change? Go to jail.

I like Australia. According to Sam Adams's blog (Mayor elect of Portland), [Pan Handling] was not in the Aussie tradition to beg and the country has a robust safety net for people in need.

Gregsta': Supreme Overlord

When I rule the world...

When I rule the world, this will never happen.

Whenever we have a client group in our office, it's standard to purchase snacks (donuts, muffins, etc.) for the meeting. Whatever is left is given to the staff - usually the items that nobody wanted - lettuce, grapes, crumbs, etc. It always ends up in the kitchen for the scavengers (staff) to scrounge through. The last person to find the empty plate is in charge of putting it away or throwing it out.


Gregsta'

Coffee Talk

Blogging at work is like taking a coffee break without the guilt or physical movement.

Gregsta': Break's over!

Laptop Porn

Three words: I want one.



It's looks suspiciously like an MSI laptop that I gave to Betsy, though smaller.

Gregsta': Drooling still

[thump]

Sushi is so good. I can't get enough of it. I'm starting to get motivated enough again to start traveling out for Sushi lunches.

Thanks to Gooch for picking me up for lunch today.

Email bloat is happening again. Going to take a rubber mallet to it now...

[thump][thump][thump]

Seems like the same technique could be used to subdue an unruly child or druggie.

Gregsta': Enforcing

Soldering Competition?

Once again, I have been out-geeked:



I once had an imaginary company when I was a kid called Solders. After burning my fingers for the 10th time, the board of directors (Mom and Dad) and the executive committee (the family guinea pigs) motioned unanimously to dissolve the corporation. So sad. I was this close to having a working prototype of the cardboard TV...

Gregsta: Immortalized

Summer?

I'm so sick of the downtown construction. Trying to be a ped in downtown right now is a royal pain. I'm ready to take a job in suburbia hell to avoid it. Argh.

Wating for lunch to show up in the most awkward booth at the Barley Mill Pub on Hawthorne. It faces the window. Weird.

Gregsta'

Tuba

Back home from SFO. The plane home was a tiny jet, packed to the brim. I might as well have been put in the cargo hold. Now, on second thought, the cargo hold would have had more room than the seat I was in. Don't EVER fly Horizon unless you don't mind being sardined into a plane and sitting by the bathroom. Fucking miserable.

Spent 6+ hours doing yard work today. Tired and hungry.

Going out, probably.

Gregsta'