The International Slacker Advice Column #1

Professional Procrastination
Through the years, I've become an icon on the issue of how to put off doing anything. Give me a task that doesn't involve eating or drinking copious amounts of booze, and I'll find a way to make it moot. You see, the effort you put into avoiding doing something you don't want to do isn't in vein.

Quite the opposite.

That effort makes you a better procrastinator. Before you know it, you can convince the IRS that they should come to your house, do your taxes and give you money back on no taxes paid in a year. Now that, is the pinnacle of slackerdom.

Email: Your ultimate slacking tool
Let's face it: The definition of procrastination is "I don't want to make a decision" or "I don't want to do anything requiring me to make a decision". Or something.

Email is perhaps the Greek god's gift to modern avoidance techniques. Here's how to make your email the ultimate "productivity" tool.

#1: File all your Newsletters, News Flashes and other items in a "IMPORTANT READING" folder. Then, when you don't feel like doing anything, open the oldest email in your important reading folder and write a short book report on it - how do you really feel about the Internet Explorer 6 launch?

#2: Treat joke, video and other non-work related email as your top priority. These emails make you happy. The "Where's the TPS Report you slacker" email does not make you happy. Your happiness is priority #1, remember?

#3: Automate your email responses. Create a hot-key email response that describes in great detail (25 steps minimum) how to reboot a computer. Use this to respond to those pesky "I can't get into the Accounting System and Paychecks have to go out in 10 minutes" emails. Who do they think they are, anyway?


That's all for this installment. No, really. Were you expecting some kind of closing comments on how this will all make your life better? Come on. I'm the International Slacker, not the International Talented Writer. That's a different gnome...

Gregsta: Ummm...