IKEA: Portland

Bets' and I finally visited the IKEA Portland location (which opened about 6 days ago). IKEA is sweedish for "you will spend at least $100 before you leave".

Someone was telling me that the four letters in IKEA represent the names of the 4 farmers who started the company.

We have Forefathers. Sweeden has Four Farmers. Tee-hee.

I must be delirious from assembling furniture...

Svedishly,
Gregsta'

Gregster All Random Thoughts Revue

Friends, Family, Country-folk. I bring you the first (and likely last) Gregster All Random Thoughts Revue! Performance Art? Barely. Cunning lingual composition? Hardly. Entertaining? On the verge, yes. Drum roll please......

Rodents are sacred creatures that should be protected by a new act of Congress, known as the "Animal Rectal Insertion Protection Act of 2008".
Simply put: Some freakazoids out there get a thrill out of shoving innocent little animals up their, well, you-know-what. We must send a clear message that this sort of behavior will not be tolerated. Small creatures are being victimized unnecessarily. End the suffering.

Vehicles Should be taxed by the actual output of pollutants
Any vehicles should be equipped with a sensor that detects the levels of bad things that get pumped into the atmosphere and measures how much is being expelled. The data is the transmitted, via Satellite and a bill is sent on a monthly basis to the owner for their emissions. Non-complying users would be notified and given 30 days to comply or else face criminal charges.

Video Conferencing should have One Standard: Work
This still baffles me. Why the hell does there have to be so many different ways to make video conferencing work? Why can't everyone's system talk to each other simply? Greed, that's why. Time to put Polycom, Tandberg and Cisco in their place and make everything work together.

Electric Lawnmowers Rule
I just bought one, and I love it. No gas, lightweight and cheap. Did I mention it has enough torque to launch a rock from the front yard right through a window across the street? I didn't? Good. Don't say anything to my neighbor. I don't know anything.

Cat puke sucks
I've got at least 2 piles of it somewhere in the house at any given time. I must find a way to train the cats to hack their business in the litter box. Where's that cattle probe...


That's all folks. Join us next time for another Gregster All Random Thoughts Revue!

Revuingly,
Gregta'

Don't do it...

I installed a hit counter on this site over the weekend.

It just confirmed without a doubt that there are only 5 people who read this website.

I had deep hope for more visitors, but alas - nothing.

Spread the love. Spread the Domino Effect™.

Gregsta'

Lead Bean Bag Pillow Fight

I'm procrastinating. I have work to do.

Proc'ingly,
Gregsta'

No Sushi for You

My sushi lunch date canceled.

I had Itallian food instead.

I might cry.

Sobbingly,
Gregsta'

Mission: Plausible

Bets' and I hit up Putters for the first time in more than a week last night. After the kind of day I had yesterday, it was needed. My "day off" turned into my "day to fight the man". I'll spare you and yours to ugly details that will only serve to make you wish to move to another country.

Note to Self: Should you ever decide that eating fried food at 8:30 at night is a good idea again, I would like to remind you of the stomach pains you will endure the next day. Remember that you don't eat crap like that anymore and your system can't take it. Crasshole™*.

Off to work way too fucking early.

Gregsta'
* The term Crasshole™ is Copyright 2007, Bets'. Used with permission. All rights reserved. Patent pending. For more information on Crasshole™ and other soon-to-be-popular sayings, visit our website at www.popsayingsyoudon'tevenknowyet.com.

FUD

A day off. In the middle of the week. No commuting downtown. No getting up to an alarm clock and pounding coffee all day. What do I do? Who will I go see? Will my shoes still fit?

FUDingly,
Gregsta'

Bowl me Over

I'm not normally one for bowling or any other quazi-sport that's been glorified as a PWT activity by Hollywood.

Bowling is a strange beast of a game. It's neither easy nor difficult, uplifting nor depressing. It's somewhere in between fun to play and a pain in the ass. It's the type of game that requires a seasoned masochist to play more than once every few years.

Needless to say, I found myself at the AMF 300 lanes off of Powell rolling 12lb balls down the waxed floor with my co-workers last night. Every other frame was an personal embarrassment. If it didn't hit the gutter, I threw the damn ball high enough that it made a thud when it hit the lane. Can I get in trouble for that?

I'll be back. I'm determined to put a hole in that damn floor. That'll show 'em.

Masochistically,
Gregsta'

Day two...

In at 7:30 again this morning. Super productive this morning.

I'm already filling my schedule for my new "day off" - Thursday. Go figure, right?

Bowling tonight with co-workers. Apparently a bunch of them get good and loaded at these bowling games.

I can't wait.

Gregsta'

Here goes...

I've managed to get into the office at 7:30 this morning. My goal is to make it till 6:30 and then go home. 10 hour day, baby! I do 4 of those this week and I can take a day off without cutting into the vaca'!

Weird dreams last night. Ever since I got this new matress, I've been having really violent dreams involving automatic firearms, lunatics that vaguely resemble former co-workers and vehicles I sold many years ago. What are they putting in these new beds? Maybe it's the new pillows... Maybe I'm just crazy from going to bed late and getting up early.

Back to the "work computer"...

Gregsta'

Sicko

I saw Sicko on Friday night. If you haven't seen it, you ought to. It's worth it.

Bets' and I are researching Canada after seeing that movie. I think we're going to build a house there and live there in a few years. We might do France, too. Not sure. Years of research ahead. Learning French, too.

Going to breakfast.

Gregsta'

Dinner for 8

Last night was the famed "Meeting of the Parents". Betsy's parents got to meet mine. I went really well. I was worried at first that we'd have nothing to do or talk about, but the evening progressed wonderfuly and everyone had a great time.

I managed to pull off a Fajita/Burrito buffet which featured real mexican queso and authentic grilled tequila shrimp.

Email box is overflowing this morning with NewsSPAM. That is - emails that have some value to them, after you dig through all the advertisements and poor writing. My help appears to be out for the day. It's appearing to be rather quiet so far.

Trying to get a hold of Gooch for Sushi today.

Gregsta'

Skipped a Day!

You wouldn't believe the day I had yesterday. Then again, I know from what my editors tell me, 84.3% of my readership base has no interest in the woe-ie-me stories. Fair enough. I'll spare you the bad driver stories and hours on the road stories.

I finally touched one of those iPhones. I went into the store with neutral expectations. I put aside my hate for Steve Jobs and my lofty expectations of interface.

Multi-touch: No fun. Face it - humans are not accurate beasts. We expect buttons to not adapt to our gestures. Call me a salty, but this gesture business is just silly. I want buttons. Buttons I can feel and learn the tactile nature of. Gestures are a poor excuse to once again try and do something that is better done by a physical switch. Nice try Apple. Conclusion: Back to the drawing board.

Big Screen: Perhaps the most interesting part of this device is the bright and highly detailed screen. I liked the fact that things fit on the screen nicely. It's so big that I think Apple only missed the boat on how to layout this 1st Gen interface. Conclusion: Good

Processor: It's fast. It multi-tasks. It doesn't get hot. Conclusion: Good

Internet Access: Wifi is nice to be able to access, but gawd - the IT administrators are going to hate all these Mac devices magically connecting to their AP's and filching bandwidth. How long before the Apple Mac Address range is excluded on public AP's? The fact that Apple didn't license 3G blows monkey chunks out a donkey's butt (please don't visualize this). Conclusion: Major Improvements Required

3rd Party Apps: Safari is our only interface? Wha? Conclusion: Back to the drawing board.

Human Nature Resistance: By this I mean scratch, oil and bumb resistance. The display model at the store (only a few weeks out of the box) looked bad. Conclusion: Back to the Drawing Board

Battery: Didn't have it in my hands long enough for a fair shake. Conclusion: Undetermined

Consumer Fairness: Let's see: You have to activate it though iTunes and AT&T. You have to have a data plan and 2 year contract through AT&T. What? No other carrier offering it? Conclusion: Boycott this device until market is alowed to be diversified.

That's all for now.

Apple-Sauce-Making,
Gregsta'

Bets'

For those of you who haven't met Bets' - this is what she looks like.

Gregsta'

iPhone = iHell

I've been fortunate. In the past month, I've only had to crush the consuming hearts of a few iPhone would-be-owners. They're so excited and giddy when they arrive.

"Look! Multi-touch interface!"
"Look! No Compatibility with anything!"


"But I can get my email on it!"
"But not from your office Exchange Server!"

Only one person in the entire firm (that I'm aware of) actually coughed up the $600 and contractual obligation for 2 years. I think he'll be taking it back.

I would like to remind people that we (being IT people) aren't here to make your pathetic devices do what you want. That's what product designers are for. Remember that while Apple means well in changing the world, they're also notorious for incompatibility at launch of any device. Don't go out and buy one of these devices thinking that you can make it do what a real PDA does. It doesn't play nicely with Outlook. It doesn't even play nice with Exchange server. You can't load any programs (ala Palm) unless they come from apple. Web 2.0 apps work. But what about those times when you don't have Internet access or (as it commonly happens) Internet access isn't working on the tower your phone is connected to? You can't browse the web offline.

So, if you have purchased an iPhone: My condolences. But, don't you dare ask me for any advice or thoughts on the thing. I maintain that it's a toy and waste of money .

Ranting complete.
Gregsta'

Moon

Here it is. Monday again. How did Monday become the "Beginning of the Week"? Why isn't Saturday the beginning of the week? Why isn't Wednesday?

Why am I typing a blog when I should be going to work?

Gregsta'

Blinding

Finally, after putting it off for a week or two, I managed to install the new blinds in our office. It looks really good, and these cellular blinds (ones that let light through but you cannot see through) also keep the heat down in the room on sunny days. Well worth the cash.

Off to nap a little bit. Maybe. Unless I get a hair to tackle another project around the house.

Gregsta'

Rising

It's 5:44 on Saturday morning. I'm wide awake-ish. The sun is coming up, but still yields little in the way of it's presence.

Why am I up? Work.

Off to the races again. Perhaps when I'm more inspired, I'll post something else more, well, inspiring.

Earlinator,
Gregsta'

Fuckitol

Happy Friday web dwellers!

I've been getting quite a few questions lately, so I feel it's time to have another Q&A session with Gregster.

Q: Why did you refer to Bets' as your 'partner'? Isn't that how gay people & hippies refer to their significant others?
A: When you've been spewing meaningless words onto blogs and websites as long as I have, words just don't come to mind as easily. I was having a vocabulary-innovation low point. Cut me some slack.

Q: Every week - Sushi this, Sushi that. What gives?
A: To truly understand my lust for sushi, one must understand the magical innovation of the sushi conveyor belt. It's like no other. By having your food come to you by machine, you completely eliminate the need to talk to people or even know what you want. It's what every non-confrontational person desires.

Q: Why are you posting every day? Did you get hit over the head?
A: I have lots of material right now. You see, I'm surrounded by complete rejects of society when I'm at work (not my co-workers, but rather the meth-heads, coke-fiends and drunken rehab dropouts that litter the streets of downtown). I'm feeling really good about my choice to stay away from illicit substances, so I feel the need to write about the freek-a-zoids that aren't so discerning and whatever else I happen to observe.

Q: Does MySpace really consume hours of your time each day?
A: No. My IT department shut off access to MySpace from the office. Wait. I'm the IT department. Fuck.

Q: Are you going to ever write another International Slacker piece? Those are funny.
A: Yes, but not for awhile. A plot is brewing, but slowly (consider the subject). And no, they are not funny.

QandAyingly,
Gregsta'

H.O.

Summer is by far my favorite time of year. BBQ's and Bike Rides. Beaches and Frisbee. Folks, it doesn't get any better than this.

Last night, we had Sarah, Cardinal and the Cardinal's roommate over for king crab, salmon and medeteranian appetizers. Yum! Good times had by all!

I drank enough wine that this morning was met with a pounding headache and the desire to drink water faster than it came out of the tap.

Sushi for lunch today. Second day in a row. I'm so happy. So happy. Thanks again to Gooch for being my devoted partner. When referring to Sushi, that is.

Gregsta'

Cha Know.

Whenever you look up at the clock, ask yourself: Did I really need to know what time it is? Chances are, you probably didn't need to know. You were probably looking for something to fill your time rather than actually complete something on your to do list.

I look at the clock quite a bit.

I have a long to do list.

Draw whatever conclusions you like. You're probably right.

But can you blame me? Oh, never mind.

On a different note, today marks the 1 year anniversary for Bets' and I. I still can't believe she's put up with my procrastinating ass this long. Maybe she likes all the time I spend with her that I should be using to complete things.


Anniversaryily,
Gregsta'

Grind

Monday. July 9th. By all indications, it must be a work day. Clouds outside, inability to willingly hop out of bed and a full pantry of breakfast makings.

My partner is still in the shower, trying to shake of the sleeps. Her mental and physical state aren't much different from mine: Exhausted.

I haven't had Sushi in so long, that I acutally had an extensive dream where I was eating Sushi with Gooch. It was so real. So real.

Off to the races.

Gregsta'

Gambling to Loose

One of the things I love about small communities like Woodstock (a fairly small neighborhood inside of Portland) is that there are groups of people who all have something in common. The group I associate with most share Drinking and Poker.

Last night was the first Poker game I've been to in awhile. Remembering the rules to the different games (Baseball, Screw-Your-Neighbor, Texas Hold 'Em, 5-card draw, etc.) was difficult. It felt like I had spent the last few months dumbing myself by not participating in cards.

I didn't do that bad, but then again, I'm no longer at the top of my game. It climaxed at the beginning of 2006 when I won a poker tournament (with the help of Chels' - who played my cards through the last round). From that point forward, my playing prowess dropped considerably and I no longer am a formidable force in the Woodstock poker scene.

I've tried it all - sunglasses after dark, dorky hats turned upside down, hooded sweatshirts - all the tricks the pros use. It's the damnedest thing. None of that stuff actually worked.

So now I'm left wondering, who did I piss off in the cosmos? Did I make fun of organized religion too much? Was it my comments about Hippies? Did I drive to slow in the fast lane? What IS it, man?

Sunday is here. My last day before returning to the office. I'm somewhat looking forward to it, but at the same time, I could use another week and a half off.

Pokingly,
Gregsta'

Nobody Reads Anymore

I found myself reminiscing about the old days when I lived and breathed Cable Access. Mind you, I didn't produce much (I was going for quality over quantity).

I was begged to assist an older lady with some editing, as I got a reputation for being good at it. She was doing a show on phonics (I had to look that word up, sadly) called Nobody Reads Anymore, Nobody Reads Anymore. It was a strange kids show that seemed to be inspired by many years of dropping acid. I wouldn't show it to my kids. She had some crazy ideas about how things should be when it came to reading and the English language.

At one point in the show, she was trying to make a point about something and counted out the "holes in her body." She then made the comment, "But that's for another show".

The producer and I looked at each other in horror. We weren't sure how to interpret that.

It was pointed out to us later by the folks at the TV station that she was refering to a show she had recorded on proper hygiene for kids.

Memorially,
Gregsta'

Welcome Back, Kotter!

What one cranky ol' IT guy needs from time to time is a good relaxing week at the beach. Well, I got that week and I'm back.

If it seems like I spend an inordinate amount of time away from home, you would be mistaken. I get away from work so rarely these days. I'm thinking that this year, instead of asking for a raise, I'll ask for an extra week of vacation time.

Bets' and I went out for a couple of drinks last night and had a good time with friends.  Yay!

Kyle and Sarah are in town. Going to patronize the Greek Cuisina on Saturday with them. Should be fun.

That's all for now.

Gregsta'