Office Translations

A real email that was sent around this evening at the office from a head-honcho:

Fellow Employees,

Over the last few months it has been difficult to understand what everyone's arrival and departing times are at the office. Some seem to vary on a daily basis. A reminder for everyone that office hours are from 8:30 to 5:30. Flex hours are understandable at times, but if you are adjusting from these, please communicate to those you are working with. We work as a team and if a team member is missing, a client calling can get frustrated or they can't contribute and be a resource for others. We are more creative as a team so, please communicate to others when you will not be in the office.

Thanks

Translation:

Recent Grads,

Just because you get assed at the bar on a Tuesday night doesn't mean you can come into the office on Wednesday at Noon without anyone noticing. Please do whatever it takes - Alcoholics Anonymous, Hair of the Dog or "Sober-up Juice" - to ensure that you're here on time.

And for God Sakes, don't try to bail early so you can beat traffic out of downtown. We all have to suffer the incompetence of the city planners. Get used to it. If you don't like it, can I suggest a job with a company that will stick you in a tiny cubicle and keep you chained to a time card system?

That's what I thought.

Thanks

Translatingly,
Gregsta'